Taylor.

I still love Taylor. At first I thought I was better off without him. We weren’t very happy at the end. I felt a huge relief when he ended it. Three months before it was over, he told me he wasn’t sure he loved me anymore. We had been together for nearly two years, we lived together. When he said those words, the entire world phased in and out, like I could sort of see through the walls. I was blindsided.

I thought he and I were going to grow old together. We had all the same interests. More often than not we didn’t need to explain ourselves on any given topic because we already agreed and agreed for the same reasons. We never fought. I have so many memories with him. I had just passed the State Bar Exam, didn’t have a job yet, and he left. I know I should hate him for giving up on me when I needed him most.

I’m ashamed of being weak. I should have more self-respect. He made it painfully clear he didn’t want to be with me, but when the initial rage subsided I’m just left with a huge hole where he used to be. It has been 7 months and I haven’t seen him since the day he left. I have no intention of ever contacting him, I made it clear I didn’t want him to contact me, but I still think about him everyday. Everything makes me think of him, when I have those thoughts I push them away. I shove them deep into the hole he left. It doesn’t help.

I know this is where one of my friends would say “it just takes time” or “you’re better off without him”. And I know both of those things are true. But what is also true is that I don’t want to be better off without him. I just wanted him.